"We think you look FABULOUS!" There comes a time for every pregnant woman when the urge to relieve pressure on sore joints and swollen ankles outweighs any trepidation of wandering out in a swim suit. For your sake I hope this happens earlier in your pregnancy rather than later, because the only thing I recommend more strongly than prenatal yoga for the healthy pregnant mama, is getting into the water. Why? Because it feels great and helps your body get stronger without adding stress Why swimming makes you feel better: - You don't weigh any less in water (trust me, I took many science courses in college) but your joints will not be bearing as much weight because the water will support you. - Everyone is graceful under water. Even if it seems your body is rebelling against you on land, you will be - You can float on your back and stretch in new ways. - Baby will move off of your bladder. - The water is cool. - You are unable to text in the pool. You will drink even more water: - With most of your body beneath the surface of the water, the hydrostatic pressure on your blood vessels increases, making your body naturally want to shed more water (aka pee). This is great for mild swelling, because as the water moves from your blood vessels into your bladder, it pulls more water from your swollen tissues to replace blood volume. - I'm not saying you should pee in the pool/lake/ocean, I'm just saying that not everyone would notice if you did. If someone says something nasty to you, or even looks at you with questioning eyes, think of the following: - They are still evolving. They are currently in the mean troll phase of life and you should pity the fool. - They are naturally curious because no one teaches anyone anything about sex ed anymore and they want to know what has happened in your life. Offer some education. - Hear me SCREAMING from across the room/beach YOU LOOK FABULOUS, MAMA! Because I think you look amazing, all the time, no reservations, no exclusions.
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If you have a breast pump on your baby registry, you may want to re-think that choice. As of August 1st, if live in the US and have health insurance, a copay-free breast pump should now be listed as one of your covered benefits. Not even thinking about pumping? If you are on a tight budget, or have thoughts about how you might like to spend $1,000 (college fund, anyone?) consider doing some research anyway. Most women who breastfeed and work outside of the home (or want to take a night out on the town) find a breast pump to be a critical addition to their arsenal of baby tools. There are hundreds of reasons why breastfeeding is amazing, and I don't need to list the obvious benefits here, but how about the superpowers of pumping that no one is telling you about? Superpowers: You will know the precise location of every workable electrical outlet in your home, as well as those in the homes of friends, your workplace, and possibly the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport. You will develop phantom limb abilities. All moms end up with a magical third arm, but in order to eat and pump at the same time, you will develop yours first! You will thwart workplace refrigerator scavengers. With the cunning label of "Breast Milk" on the outside of your lunchbox, pilferers will be forced to lurk elsewhere. Speedy assembly skills. The secret forces will want your help once they learn how quickly you can dis/assemble and clean your pump and all of its requisite parts. You can be in two places at once... that's one up on Superman! By pumping in advance you can go out on the town for a night with your partner or friends... you can even go on retreat or take a spur of the moment trip to New Mexico AND feed your baby at the same time. And we thought slicing bread was cool...
Me, with two great conversationalists.
The most common complaint I hear about being a new mama? Abject boredom once the circus leaves town. Don't mistake me, most mamas breathe a sigh of relief once family, in-laws and outlaws ride off into the sunset, but a few days later magazines, Facebook, and daytime TV start to lose their charm. Some mamas immediately join playgroups or mama and me yoga. But even these outings, as arduous as they can be the first couple of times, don't fill 24 hours. Suggestions for Things to Occupy Your Mind Stitcher. Video may have killed the radio star, but bad writing and political commercials killed the TV star. I love listening to podcasts, but know that it can be tricky for new mamas to download new episodes or spend time synchronizing devices. Stitcher is an application for mobile devices that works like Pandora radio. You download the free app and then have access to streaming podcasts. My favorites include This American Life, Fresh Air, Freakonomics, La Tavola Marche, and The Boob Group. Handheld readers. The beauty of a Kindle in particular is that you can read a library of books with one hand, without turning on a bright light (some phones also work, but the lighting isn't quite as fancy). It is backlit and lightweight, and easy to manage while breastfeeding. Our local library lends ebooks which you can obtain without even leaving home. Bored in the middle of the night? Download something new. Research. If you have the internet, the world is your oyster (but beware the undertow). Look for positive things, like vacations you'd like to take, graduate programs you might pursue, or how to win big at blackjack. Avoid the rabbit hole of medical websites. Do not research All the Things that Could Go Wrong, because there are plenty of panicky messages on message boards with truly insane recommendations for home remedies. Plan a mythical trip to Sweden, or learn what it takes to get a visa into Bhutan, but don't google "small red rash on baby's booty." Also, if I may recommend avoiding games. Sure, they make the time go by, but at the end of the day you will have nothing to chat about with your partner or the other mamas at yoga. Learn a thing or two and make yourself an excellent conversationalist because you may end up talking to yourself at times, and don't you want to be interested in what you have to say? Let me be clear: this post will not address paternity woes, suggestions for "keeping things fresh," or sutras of any kind. This post is an introduction to life once baby arrives and your current household transforms from a twofer into a threefer. Think back to the time that you and your partner began to co-habitate. It probably started off all nachos and dance parties and then evolved slowly into dish disputes, towel arguments, and misplaced mail warfare. Then (as you are now expecting a baby) something probably took a turn for the better again. You devised some sort of system, whether it involves pre-printed lists on the fridge or not. Knowing that Thursday night is poker night for your partner, you take the opportunity to paint your toenails in your dainties and rock out to Stevie Nicks. And every other Saturday you hike into the wilderness together to talk about the Big Dreams you have for the future and other relevant relational business. Three kinds of time: mine, yours and ours. With the impending growth of your family unit, you will begin to experience the same sorts of growing pains as you figure out your time alone, partner's time alone, the two of you together, you and the baby together, and your partner and the baby together. You've just doubled the flavors of time that are essential to a balanced and healthy home, and you have few positive examples of how this works successfully. In fact, most sit-coms and romantic comedies are based on the principle that when three people try to be in a relationship together it is both epically hilarious and desperately tragic all at once. Tips for Doubling Your Fun Define your six flavors of time. Before baby arrives, decide what time you need that is sacred, what time your partner needs, and what time your relationship needs in order for it to thrive. What are the activities that you do that fill in these three flavors? Write them down in a list so that you may refer to it after baby arrives (color coding is optional). Recall your weak spots. Remember what you used to (or still) fight over? These may be the areas that crop up again. If they are simple, make a concerted effort to meet your partner half way by emptying the garbage occasionally or not returning empty packaging to the refrigerator. If the issues are more complex, like say sex or money, this might be an excellent time to enlist the help of a good financial planner or therapist. Dream BIG. Start brainstorming the things you've always wanted to do with your child, both as a couple and individually. These are great lists to make, too. Once baby arrives you can start to try on or craft new traditions. Give baby time to grow into. There is a magical seventh flavor that won't develop for awhile, but it is important to parent as though it already exists: baby's time alone. It is critical for the emotional health of your family that your baby learn to spend time alone. Now, I'm not recommending that your infant be left unattended, but I am suggesting that baby learn to entertain her as she grows without the constant feedback of an adult. This is where your child will explore and develop her personality. If you know how important your alone time is to you, you'll respect the necessary alone time of your child as well. And that's the recipe for a successful threesome. If we have met, then you know that I'm capable of doing almost anything. If you've seen my resume, you know I've tried quite an exhaustive list of things. My list of insurmountable tasks to date includes: - Play the guitar - Run and dribble a basketball at the same time - Drive a stick-shift car forwards while obeying traffic laws - Enjoy sushi Regardless of lessons, support, strict threats of embarrassment and social awkwardness, I have been completely unsuccessful in these aspects of my life. Now that I have lived for more than three decades, I'm comfortable enough in my own limitations that I no longer try to do any of these things, nor do I care when others tell me I should. Of course, there are things I'm great at, which include: - Retaining medical knowledge like I'm prepping for Medical Jeopardy - Fitting anything into anything, like camping equipment into a car or six more dishes into the dishwasher - Eating an entire watermelon in one sitting - Making an audience laugh (in person... so don't hold your breath) If you've given birth before, you may think you have a sense of how your next birth will be, but you will likely be wrong. Every pregnancy is different, and even Michelle Duggar has been surprised a few times. It is safe to say that for most people, birth falls squarely into neither of these categories. Giving birth is like riding a bicycle. You may have seen people do it, but you're not sure exactly what it will be like. You will need to find your own rhythm as you go along. The trick with birth is that the size/shape/condition of the bicycle is always a surprise as is the terrain. Maybe your path will paved and flat with some gentle, rolling hills and an occasional breeze. Maybe your path will be mostly uphill and pretty gravely, with a few thorns and a light drizzle. And maybe a bridge will be out on your path and you'll need some magic to get to the other side. This is where a doula can make all the difference. While you may not know what path to expect, or how to change a metaphorical tire if you get a flat, your doula has a sense of where to go, tips for navigating shallow water crossings, and expertise that help YOU ride that bicycle to the finish line. How to Know if You Might Want a Doula 1. You don't have a lot of experience with birth and would like to make sure you have an advocate on your side to help explain some of what is happening, or make suggestions about strategies that will help make the ride a bit easier. 2. You are the kind of person who can accomplish most things with good coaching. If you call people when you're driving home late at night because you know it will be easier for you to stay awake, you are the kind of person who is accustomed to asking for the right kind of help and you're open to accepting it. 3. When you think of your close family and friends you realize that you want none of them to be with you while giving birth. This is for any reason, including strange agendas, unfamiliarity with birth, or a truly epic case of halitosis. 4. You're not sure if you want a doula. If it is within your means to hire a doula and you aren't categorically opposed to doing so, my recommendation is to find one. While it is rare that you would want to do so, you can always ask them to leave, but it is too late to find one once your labor has started. I know some things I can do and some I can't, but I've never given birth. I know that I'd feel much more confident with a knowledgable ally by my side. How about you? Interested in how a Postpartum Doula will Save Your Life? What my baby looked like, except she had pants. I was so excited when my parents came home from this hospital with my new baby brother (I was five years old and had had a baby of my own for years at that point, and thought it was about time my mom had one, too). As soon as he got home, I tried to share my expertise in baby handling, but was frequently informed that I was "too small" to hold the baby or that the baby was "too big" for me to carry around. After a few weeks, this became rather tiresome. While my parents made a concerted effort to keep me in the loop, I remember feeling sad that I now had to share my adoring audience with a baby who, unlike my baby, cried, pooped, and did not go into the bath with me. Two particular memories bring me back to this trying time: The Apocalyptic Meltdown: Immediately after his baptism, we opened the family home to (what felt like) three thousand of our closest friends. They all introduced themselves to me and immediately asked "How do you like your new baby brother?" I was a mostly polite child, and I liked when people talked with me, so I was kind and generous for the first 1,500 visitors. But the turning point came about an hour into the party (and before cake, if there was any cake) when I announced to the room that, "If one more person asks me how I like my new baby brother I'm going to my room and never coming out." You know how this ends. The Great Escape: A few weeks later, my mother on her last nerve and I on mine, I decided to illustrate my maturity and acrobatic strength and agility by scaling my brother's crib, removing him, and carrying him about 100 feet around the house and into the kitchen. When my mother tells this story, she says I "... missed hitting his head on the edge of the kitchen doorway by an eighth of an inch." In all fairness, everyone was right. I was a very small five year old, and he was a BIG baby. But no one anticipated the sheer force of my will. Tips for Keeping the Big Sibling from Absconding with the Baby Use your words. Tell the big sibling about how things will change with the new baby. This implies that you have a plan, which you should (separate post to follow about this). Prepare your friends. Encourage (or demand that) your friends and relatives greet the older child first when they come to see the baby. They don't need to bring a toy for the older child, but suggest that they plan to spend five minutes with the older sibling and then either have the older child introduce them to the baby, or have them break the conversation and move along. You're also training your older child to be great at cocktail parties! Practice with a puppy. (don't actually get a new puppy in the same year that you are welcoming a new baby into the house) Find a friend who has a newer baby animal that you can go and visit with your older child. Practice sitting quietly, perhaps on an adult's lap, and learning how to hold and be gentle with the puppy. This sets the stage for how you will later allow the older child to hold the baby (on an adult's lap, being gentle). Schedule special time. Baby gets lots of attention, particularly in the first six weeks. If you can utilize the services of a postpartum doula to give mom respite, then she can have special time with the older child. Same is true for her partner. Also be sure to schedule baby holding time if the child wants to hold the baby. Stock up on bribes. I don't recommend rewarding anyone with food, but this is a good time to bring in some special new toys or books for the older child. Regardless of the older child's gender, you might introduce a baby doll with all of the fixin's like diapers, bottles, nap blankets, and changes of clothes. If you are looking for other toys, I recommend those that make no noise, require no batteries, and are easy to enjoy alone. Building toys, puzzles, books, and art supplies are great options. A little-known fact about me? I'm not a huge fan of baby showers. I know, I teach prenatal yoga. Yes, I get invited to a lot of baby showers. And yes, I go. But while everyone else is cooing over the frilly clothes or decorative wall hangings, I'm thinking about baby's future. You see, in a previous life I worked in college admissions. I've spoken with thousands of families who wondered where they would get the money to send their teenager to college. Some opted to take out a plus loan, or a second mortgage on their house. Others hoped that athletic talents would win their student a free or discounted education. A handful (truly, a small handful) knew with great confidence that their student would have access to whichever education they wanted because they had been saving for it from the beginning. I'm not talking about the independently wealthy, but families with modest incomes, like teachers, nurses, and public servants, who had socked money away starting when their child was born. Maybe you're not a saver, or don't know much about how money works in this world. But this is an amazing opportunity to learn and to take advantage of the many different ways you can start funding your baby's education starting now. For some people, a 529 plan is the right choice. For others, a Coverdell Education Savings Plan. There are many options you should discuss with your partner and possibly a financial advisor. Even a simple savings account in your child's name is better than nothing, because it will get you saving. Tips for Saving for Baby 1. Include a college fund on your registry. Let shower attendees know that you'll have a container to receive cash gifts that will go towards baby's future education costs. Let attendees know that they will have the opportunity to take pride when baby goes to school, rather than just when they see the crib skirt they purchased. 2. Commit to an annual contribution to baby's account as a gift from you or you and your partner. Invite grandparents and others to contribute as well. A smaller toy/book gift will be just as meaningful (kids usually prefer playing with the box anyway). 3. Learn more about how money works. It's a shame so many Americans graduate from high school with almost no understanding of how to save, spend, invest, and how to manage debt. Make sure YOU teach your baby the ways of the financial world. 4. Avoid the Curse of the Trustafarian. A lot of children who enter college with a savings account feel entitled to spend it however they choose (usually on beer). Regardless of the size of the account, strongly consider having the child take out a student loan in her name. This will keep her accountable for her own education, encourage her to pursue her passions (rather than taking the classes she thinks you want her to take), and encourage her to use all of those financial lessons you taught her over the years. Zoo shoes by Tilly Whistle Last week during prenatal yoga we went around the room and had an even count: two expecting boys, two expecting girls, and two expecting surprises. This is the only situation where I've seen neutrality well received. Another example, my BFF makes these incredible hand-made baby shoes and sometimes I accompany her to markets. People coo at the shoes and offer their praise and disbelief that such shoes even exist. Sometimes they confess they don't know anyone who is expecting, and sometimes they have a specific baby in mind. And sometimes, we get the vicious "My sister/co-worker/postal worker won't tell me what she's having?! She wants it to be a surprise?! Doesn't she know that the suspense is killing me???" I understand that in the context of baby shoes, gender might be slightly relevant (although there are always numerous gender neutral options on the table). However, outside of this I wonder how and why we get so tied to the gender of the baby. Tips for Mamas-to-be Stand your ground. Unless you are the Queen of England, the monarchy does not rest on the gender of your offspring. Feel free to point this out. Be kind to your fellow pregnant mamas who make a different choice. Some women desperately want to know, and that is their business. In the world of parenting, everyone is different, so this is a great practice point. Meet your partner halfway. If your partner wants to know, s/he should get to speak their mind. Understand that they might be a little jealous that you get to make so many executive decisions. If you're in a partnership, be a good partner. Tips for Your Friends on a Gender Bender Focus on how you will treat the baby, regardless of gender. What is the same? 99% of the baby's needs will be identical regardless of gender, so focus on gender neutral or useful gifts that don't rely on gender, like silverware, car seats, and college funds. Imagine all the things you will want to do with the new baby. Teach them to fish? Catch a football? Bake cakes? Pee outside? Maybe you think there is a gender bias in these activities, and you want plenty of time to change your perspective. Instead, make a full list of what you would do with a girl baby and a full list of what you would do with a boy baby. And then, do both. Help others see the light. If there are others in your family or friend group who are still hell-bent on knowing, take them out for a drink and get all of the grousing over with. Help them to focus on the shared qualities. Remind them that this baby will not have the opportunity to rule the land based on genitals, but based on an electoral college (and redirect to a fun political debate instead!). One of the things that terrifies me most about possibly becoming a mother one day is my intense love affair with sleep. I am not a doctor, midwife, or labor doula because I simply cannot imagine happiness in a life that includes fewer than eight consecutive hours of sleep per night. In fact, I had to take a break from writing this post just so I could take a nap. It's in my genes, too. My mother is an Olympic Napper, or would be if they ever opened the event. After large meals we frequently take spontaneous family floor naps. You probably have your own weakness, too. Perhaps yours also stands between you and your idea of the "perfect mother" like your maniacal obsession with clean countertops, your propensity for jet-setting, or your insistence on watching the Late, Late, Late Show. I have good news for you: so long as your weakness doesn't involve ritual sacrifice, you're very likely going to be a great mother. Especially if you know what that weakness is. Steps to Being a Great Mother Even with a Weakness: 1. Identify your weakness(es). Determine which areas of your life appear to be inconsistent with motherhood and you're not willing to compromise. There should be one or two, or possibly three. More than three and you'll need to whittle your list. 2. Articulate ways others can help you (in writing). In my case, I would need people who are willing to come to my house to supervise mama nap time. I might also need someone to spend the night periodically/routinely to share the duties of night feedings. If you need someone who will help you learn how to travel with a newborn, or possibly babysit for a weekend now and again, it's good to know that now. 2.5. If your request sounds silly in writing like "someone must come to my house at 11:35 each night so that I can stay abreast of all of the celebrity antics," maybe sit with it for a week before you proceed to the next step. But if it will make all the difference in your life, perhaps sit down with someone neutral to have a conversation about your needs. Maybe there are solutions others can think of. If you decide it is still essential, proceed along. 3. Recruit your village. Are there people in your life who would be interested in helping in the ways you've outlined above? Now is a great time to ask them to get a sense of how much help you can get by cashing in favors. For instance, I have some friends who would likely do the nap thing, but maybe not so many who would do the overnight thing. Do you have friends who will clean your counters or help you stay caught up on the LLL Show even if it is now waaay past your bedtime? 4. Hire some village people. Maybe you think you want cute baby clothes or high-tech surveillance equipment, but in my case, neither of those things will help me much. A postpartum doula might willingly work with me to spend a night every week for six weeks for a not too unreasonable rate. Consider hiring a cleaning person to do an expert job once a week rather than cashing in every last favor for the sake of clean countertops. Heed any inkling you have that something might stand between you and a mentally healthy postpartum period and address it now, preemptively rather than six weeks into misery. My mama, doing a little yoga a few years ago. What do you think of on your birthday? Most people (myself included) think of cake, the blessing/curse of aging, and monumental years passed: 16, 18, 21, 30, 40 etc. Every year my mom calls and says “Happy Birthday! You had the BIGGEST HEAD EVER,” and by that she means my actual cranium was in the 90th percentile and my body in the 5th. Thank goodness I've balanced out a bit since then. She hopes I experience the same blessing when I give birth. This has always been the way I experience my birthday, with a sigh of relief that I've made it around the sun yet again, and a curse disguised as a blessing. However, after chatting with a friend today, I've started thinking of my birthday a little bit differently. Let me digress for a moment (I promise to bring it all back around). Expectant mamas usually have some idea of what their birth story will look like. In fact, those of use who work with mamas strongly encourage the development of a birth plan which includes the who/what/where of birth from generalities like “board certified obstetrician should be handy” to specifics like “no tweeting, no matter what.” We script it out from beginning to end with little addenda like a flight attendant letting the team know what they'll need to know just in case. Days and years later, we tell the story from the same perspective, in the same order, with a surprise ending like “huge head” or “100 year blizzard,” or “fainted dead away on the floor.” I think we're doing it backwards. Or rather, we should be. Think of all of the greatest memories you have. They usually don't go like this: “I planned the perfect trip to Paris, which I took, and then I went home.” They don't go like this, because this is a boring, terrible story. Even if you end with “...and then I fainted dead away,” or “...and then I stepped in gum,” or “...and then I found five dollars,” it doesn't get any better. But, if you tell it like this: “Let me tell you how I met my partner after the worst trip of my life. I went to Paris and the trip went mostly as planned, but on my trip home we were diverted to Tuscaloosa, where I was marooned in the airport awaiting my connection to Knoxville. To make matters worse, my bags somehow ended up in Alberta. After three tries to get home via air, I finally gave up and took the bus. Because I took the bus instead, the airline said they weren't responsible for my bags, even though they sent them to the wrong country! Well, Marty was working at the lost luggage center in Alberta, and because he's Canadian he felt sorry for me and offered to drive and meet me halfway. Well, three weeks and 2,000 miles later we met up in the middle of Iowa and it was love at first sight.” If there is one thing I can guarantee you beyond all others, it is that your birth story will not be the same as your birth plan. Unexpected things will happen, but each of those unexpected things will be another level of color in your wildly exciting and amazing birth story. My tips for recording your birth story: Consider the byline: based on the true story. Your child's birth story is your birth story, too. Consider which details are helpful to you and to baby and which can be modified into other characters, symbols, and images. Rather than “your lazy butt couldn't find the exit, so this ended in a traumatic C-section,” try something like “the doctor saw that you were lost and created a magic door.” Maybe this sounds silly, but it can profoundly affect the way you view the story, your baby, and your scar. In my opinion, necessary C-sections are magical. Channel your inner impressionist, not your journalist: Sometimes photos are appropriate, but just as I've found in travel, you never really get a picture that captures the most meaningful moments. Don't fret about it, recreate it. Perhaps everyone who was there can make an image from their memory, whether they create a stick figure drawing, a painting, or something abstract. You can add in the relevant photos you have, but sometimes drawings are even better. Remember: start with the happy ending. The end of the story is your baby's birth, so start there in your mind. Your most pivotal memory could be something like “...and then, after nine months I created a beautiful, perfect human out of the very best parts of me, and that perfect human, was YOU.” When your next birthday comes around start with the memory that by some miracle, you were formed from tiny bits of ancient stars and the energy of the mother who bore you. |
About meI'm one of those people who loves making your life easier (and I believe in you). I am an experienced registered prenatal yoga teacher and a lactation educator. Want more? My monthly newsletter might be for you.
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