Welcome to the Limelight

Ever glanced at magazines at the checkout counter and wondered what it would be like to have everyone eager to learn what you ate last week, where you plan to shop next weekend, or who you've been sleeping with?

Congratulations, mama. Now we all want to know (we might have some good guesses on at least one of the areas above).

Your pregnancy announcement tells the masses that you're identifying yourself as someone worth cyberstalking. Your bump may attract all sorts of inappropriate questions, unsolicited advice, and direct stares. I know some mamas who love this, who welcome their new status as The Keeper of the Next Generation and some who start wearing abnormally large hats and bags to “cover” their belly just as your favorite character does on TV when the actress becomes pregnant, but the character she plays does not. P.S.: No one is fooling anyone.

As anyone who moves into the ranks of fame will tell you, you will soon learn who your friends really are.

Tips for Becoming a Famous Mama-to-be:

1. Channel your inner bobble head: when onlookers recount their post-baby exercise routine, or offer recipes for homebrewed salves for your soon-to-be-sore nipples, smile and nod your head. Tell them you'll look into honey-butter nipple salve and thank them for their time. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But be the ever-gracious celeb rather than crushing dreams.
   
2. Wield your belly power responsibly: people may offer you a seat on the bus, an extra-generous helping of dessert, or even money and gifts. Consider yourself your baby's agent, and kindly accept any assistance your baby (or your baby's mother's ankles) could really use. Sit when you really need to, even if it inconveniences someone, but don't barge onto the bus thinking “I get everything I want because I am the host to the alien species which will now take over your planet, you lowly Earth creatures!”
   
3. Tell us how you will tell us: if you plan to announce your birth via email, let us know. If you plan to livestream your birth, let us know how to tune in. Just tell us how to love you most, or we will take it upon ourselves to check your Facebook like it is our religion.
   

Tips for Being an Adoring Fan, Not a Criminal Stalker/Creeper

1. Repeat after me: You Look Great. Never qualify this statement with “... for someone who is seven months pregnant,” or “for someone who just ran a marathon with a Thanksgiving turkey snuggled in their britches” or any other qualifier. You don't look big, or small, or tired, or anything else, unless they truly don't appear to look well, in which case the only reasonable substitute is “you look like you're not feeling well.”
   
2. Send only love. Post affirmations of support on Facebook, send well wishes, and keep your gossip among your non-pregnant friends. Never say “weren't you due last Friday?” or “wow, are you sure you don't have twins in there?” Mamas feel enough pressure on their bladders, they don't need your two cents, too (also, feel free to check facebook like it is your religion because it won't bother mama at all).
   
3. Unless you are paid high sums by a tabloid magazine, tho shalt not post someone else's baby pictures on the interwebs without their permission. Sometimes, after playing host to a baby for nine months, mama actually wants the pleasure of announcing her baby rather than logging onto Pintrest to find you've already given away her exclusive.
   

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