How Junior High Prepares you for Motherhood
I probably don't have to say anything other than the words "junior high" to turn your blood to ice, do I? Well, my intention is not to cool your blood but to prepare you for an unfortunate cultural phenomenon: New Mama Cults. These mamas aren't blood thirsty, but they will drain your zest for life and want to convert you.
You might already be aware of different birth preferences or parenting styles. You might also know that my personal mantra is: "there is more than one right way to do everything." And this includes mothering. Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way.
Cults exist on all sides of the birth and new mama neighborhood and they crop up around the weirdest behaviors and trends. Groups form and disband with frequency, and their presence is even stronger online and in your head. Sound like junior high? I'm not kidding about this! New mamas confide in me all the time that they feel judged by their parents, their peer groups, their partners, and the mysterious "other" that judges us all (you know, when you say something like, "Everyone will think I'm trying too hard if I wear flannel platform shoes to the dentist.")
Here are my suggestions based upon my first trip through junior high.
Acknowledge that cliques are forming. This is easiest to do if you feel decidedly outside of a clique. If you notice a group of mamas with similarly aged children who spend time at the pool daily, ask yourself why you are noticing and why you do or don't belong. Do you want to join them? Are you upset that they don't use sunblock? That they haven't noticed you and invited you to join them?
Determine any cliquish behaviors you have. Have you been working extra hard to teach your baby sign language? Lose baby weight with unorthodox techniques? Cyberbullying people you believe are "perfect mamas?"
Name the "everyone" with actual people who have said the things you are hearing in your head. Did anyone actually say the words flannel platform shoes to you? To make the example more applicable, did anyone say "you should always cover yourself when breastfeeding in public, because it is indecent." Or are you internalizing your deceased great-grandmother or the nameless cyber bullies you've seen on chat groups?
Stop bullying behaviors yourself. Have you noticed that everyone has an opinion on your parenting choices? Is that annoying? Make a pact to yourself that you will only offer an opinion on something if someone asks you. If a child is in actual imminent mortal danger you should call 911, not suggest using hand sanitizer on their pacifier.
Choose your battles. Find the one issue for which you will become an expert (diapering, feeding, child care, etc) and limit your advice to that category unless explicitly asked. If you find that a child is not in mortal danger, but that you could really offer assistance to a mother, ask this question, "I've done a lot of research about [breastfeeding] and it looks like you are struggling. May I suggest something for you to try?"
Help others help you by clearly defining when and how you'd like to receive information. Perhaps you're happy with your choice to wear your baby all the time, but perhaps it is the only way you feel you're able to get anything else done. If you want help, ask someone who seems to have that section of things going well like this: "I see that your baby happily sits on a blanket for 30 minutes while you make dinner. I can't seem to accomplish anything when I set Esmerelda down. Will you share how you did it?"
I didn't learn about teamwork until college. I thought we were all in it for ourselves, and that there was space for precious few at the top of the social pyramid. That style of thinking is isolating, frustrating, and just not part of my belief structure. We should all feel comfortable asking for help, which will give us each an opportunity to give help as well. And that's how we'll make it through.
I probably don't have to say anything other than the words "junior high" to turn your blood to ice, do I? Well, my intention is not to cool your blood but to prepare you for an unfortunate cultural phenomenon: New Mama Cults. These mamas aren't blood thirsty, but they will drain your zest for life and want to convert you.
You might already be aware of different birth preferences or parenting styles. You might also know that my personal mantra is: "there is more than one right way to do everything." And this includes mothering. Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way.
Cults exist on all sides of the birth and new mama neighborhood and they crop up around the weirdest behaviors and trends. Groups form and disband with frequency, and their presence is even stronger online and in your head. Sound like junior high? I'm not kidding about this! New mamas confide in me all the time that they feel judged by their parents, their peer groups, their partners, and the mysterious "other" that judges us all (you know, when you say something like, "Everyone will think I'm trying too hard if I wear flannel platform shoes to the dentist.")
Here are my suggestions based upon my first trip through junior high.
Acknowledge that cliques are forming. This is easiest to do if you feel decidedly outside of a clique. If you notice a group of mamas with similarly aged children who spend time at the pool daily, ask yourself why you are noticing and why you do or don't belong. Do you want to join them? Are you upset that they don't use sunblock? That they haven't noticed you and invited you to join them?
Determine any cliquish behaviors you have. Have you been working extra hard to teach your baby sign language? Lose baby weight with unorthodox techniques? Cyberbullying people you believe are "perfect mamas?"
Name the "everyone" with actual people who have said the things you are hearing in your head. Did anyone actually say the words flannel platform shoes to you? To make the example more applicable, did anyone say "you should always cover yourself when breastfeeding in public, because it is indecent." Or are you internalizing your deceased great-grandmother or the nameless cyber bullies you've seen on chat groups?
Stop bullying behaviors yourself. Have you noticed that everyone has an opinion on your parenting choices? Is that annoying? Make a pact to yourself that you will only offer an opinion on something if someone asks you. If a child is in actual imminent mortal danger you should call 911, not suggest using hand sanitizer on their pacifier.
Choose your battles. Find the one issue for which you will become an expert (diapering, feeding, child care, etc) and limit your advice to that category unless explicitly asked. If you find that a child is not in mortal danger, but that you could really offer assistance to a mother, ask this question, "I've done a lot of research about [breastfeeding] and it looks like you are struggling. May I suggest something for you to try?"
Help others help you by clearly defining when and how you'd like to receive information. Perhaps you're happy with your choice to wear your baby all the time, but perhaps it is the only way you feel you're able to get anything else done. If you want help, ask someone who seems to have that section of things going well like this: "I see that your baby happily sits on a blanket for 30 minutes while you make dinner. I can't seem to accomplish anything when I set Esmerelda down. Will you share how you did it?"
I didn't learn about teamwork until college. I thought we were all in it for ourselves, and that there was space for precious few at the top of the social pyramid. That style of thinking is isolating, frustrating, and just not part of my belief structure. We should all feel comfortable asking for help, which will give us each an opportunity to give help as well. And that's how we'll make it through.
